Blog 13 - Good Intentions Don’t Always Translate to Good Outcomes

The past year I have really been evaluating my life.  I am the epitome of the person with good intentions who feels like they just do not do what they intend to do.  The quote by Trishna Damodar “A good intention requires the support of a good action in order to translate into a positive outcome!” This is so me this past year or more. Maybe even longer.  It’s like a vicious circle.  I just cannot seem to get off the Merry Go Round.  It’s like I know what I need to do.  I study it, I research it, I save ideas and I think this will work.  I try things, I hate them, I discard them, and here I am, months later, no further ahead.  AGH!!!!  I am Charlie Brown – feeling forever frustrated.

I am trying to determine why.  What is causing this self-doubt? What is holding me back from doing what I know I need to do to move forward to meet my goal?  Is it lack of self-confidence?  Is it lack of wanting to take the time to learn a new skill?  Is it the fear of what?  I don’t’ know!!!!

It’s like losing weight.  I lost 40 pounds last year. I made it through the holidays and maintained that weight loss.  The last month 8 pounds have creeped back!!!  I know what I need to do to get it off.  Exactly what I did last year.  My coach has been contacting me weekly, and I’ve been blowing her off.  Why?  Because I do not want to admit to her that I am blowing it.  I hate having to admit that I am failing.  How stupid.  I know that is why she is there.  I know she will understand.  I know she is there to support me.  I am my own worst enemy.

Do you see a pattern?  I know what I need to do, but I’m stuck.  I cannot make myself take the action that translates into that positive outcome.  So, I have to ask myself why?

That is a hard question to ask yourself.  I am so good at giving advice.  I can always be the cheerleader for others. Why can’t I be that for myself?  Am I punishing myself for bad decisions I have made in my life?  I definitely look back at parenting decisions that if I could change, I would.  Is it just that I am so undisciplined, and it is a horrible character flaw?  That’s a possibility. 

I have never taken the easy road.  I guess that’s just not my style.  I got married two months after graduating high school.  (No, I wasn’t pregnant, so what the heck was I thinking?)  I fell in love with a guy who I didn’t like at all in elementary school, in fact, I thought he was a big bully, and he was mean to me on the school bus.  Nevertheless, when I saw him in a pair of shorts and a cut off shirt in high school, I was done for.  He went off to the military and all I could think at 18 was that I could not bear being away from him any longer.  Two years later, our daughter was born.  I then started college.  We have been married over 37 years.  We have two children, three grandchildren and one on the way.  Sounds like the perfect love story?  Not quite.

I essentially raised our daughter much of the time alone the first three years of her life, as he was gone most of the time in the military.  It made me very independent, and it didn’t always make it easy when he returned.  We were raised very differently. Our ideas of how we behave in a relationship turned out to be very different. Thank goodness he has always been a very involved dad.  I always said he should have been the mom and I should have been the dad.  I have always been more career oriented.  He was always more available for our kids.  So, from that perspective, we made a good team raising our kids.  When I took a job 80 miles from home and spent three nights a week away after our daughter went off to college and our son was in 8th grade, he was amazing.  Even though I never missed an activity our son was involved in, the guilt is real.  I look back and think, did I screw up my kid?  The job, from a financial perspective, was the best decision in terms of securing a very good pension, but was it worth the time I missed with my son?  Is it this guilt that is holding me back from doing what I need to do now to be successful in other areas of my life?

COVID had a major impact on me and my relationship with my daughter.  I was not allowed to see my children or grandchildren for many months.  My two youngest grandchildren were only just over 1 year old in March of 2020. To this day, two of my grandchildren are still very rarely allowed to come and visit because the youngest isn’t vaccinated.  I have significant anger about this.  I try very hard to respect their decision.  After all, they are the parents.  I have a granddaughter who will not even let me hold her.  She is three and a half years old, and she has never told us she loves us.  She has only hugged me one time.  She has never kissed me.  Is there some anger there?  Yes.  Yes, I am angry.  I am sad.

I attended a funeral for a high school classmate today who was also the sister of my aunt.  She had health issues her entire life, yet she was always the sweetest person who was always so happy to see me.  She loved God, she loved her family, she loved her friends.  I so admire her.  She had so much suffering in her life, yet she had such a joy for life, and here I am…knowing I should be doing so much more.  Knowing I could be a better person, a better friend, a better mom, a better grandmother, a better business owner, a better everything, if I would just take that good action which would turn in a good result.

Wow, that was a lot, wasn’t it?  Can I say that I feel better just getting this down on paper? Can I say that this is not even everything I am struggling with, but the rest can be shared later, maybe?  In the meantime, perhaps it’s time for some counseling.  I’m texting my coach.  I’m losing the 8 pounds, and I’ll update you on my progress.  Peace, and know if you are struggling, I’m here to listen.  I’ve got you.